Valentines (LOVE) PT 1 of 2

It’s Valentines day and I been thinking about my misunderstanding of love. Growing up I didn’t feel loved, I wasn’t sure even how to define the word. I had learned how to please a man sexually through abuse. I had friends but even the word friend seem to mean something different to me than those around me. I seem to think deeper and wasn’t any good at small talk or surface emotions. In High school I dated a single boy, and I stood on the outside with a handful of friends. I learned to fear what I thought love was when my boyfriend broke up with me because I wasn’t wife material.
In collage I sold my body to support myself and learned sex had nothing to do with love. I began to explore my belief systems and found that they were wanting in many ways. I had such a whole in my soul that I turned to drugs, achoocl, and sex to try and fill it. I even tried to take my life several times to excape the empininess that was in me, becoming angry when therapist thought I had attempted sucide over something so minor as love.
By the time I was 20 years old I lived on the streets, did drugs to forget and sold my body to survive. I had hit rock bottom and wasnt sure if there was a God or not; but under it all in the deepest part of my soul I still hoped there was a God. I had grew up believing in and working hard to prove myself to the church so that God would love me and in the hidden moments I concider God my friend and would often wander the wildness behind my childhood home talking to what I thought was God, I repeatedly read the Bible in hopes of finding Him and yet I with all my knowledge of God I did not KNOW Him. Just three weeks before My twenty first birthday everything came to a head. My pimp was picked up for armed robbery, I tried to turn back to the church for help and they refused me, and when I finally reached out to help from the sucide hotline asking to speak with a bishop wasn’t given a pastor at a home with Youth with a Misson, who told me they had a home for me to come to but the intake person was gone for the weekend and would have to wait till Monday. I was so lost within myself that I took all the drugs I had left in one doze and started hitch hiking from Vegas to Cailforina. I remember getting almost to LA, when turned around and hitched hike back, where I called the pastor back and told him what I had done. I remember being on that phone for so longer and so confused and lost that I dont turely know how they found me but a van pulled up and asked me to come with them and with nothing to lose I did so.
I was taken to a house somewhere in Vegas, to this day I have no idea where it is. I was ran by YWAM and I given chores, and had to attend daily Bible studies. I came off the drugs just three days into my stay and never felt any of the withdrawls I would of normally. I was extremely anies and on that thrid day asked to go for a walk. They told me would have to wait till after dinner when one of the staff could go with me. When we began walking it was in silence and I only remeber one thing from it. The staff asked me if I want to accept Jesus into my heart. I replied “thinking about it”. We walked till almost dark and then I went to my room, where I was alone for all the other girls had been trasfered or left. I got down on my knees next to the bed and I looked at the floor and said I know who you are and severed you all my life. Then looked at the ceiling and said They tell me who you are and that you can take care of me and love me. I don’t care witch of you it is but I do know I can’t go on with this whole in me. Which ever of you fills it, I will sever you for the rest of my life. Got up and climbed into bed and went to sleep. I can not describe to you what happened that night in words. I can say while I slept all hell broke loss I was in a fight for my life in my dreams agaist monsters full of darkest and ones full of ligt. When I woke the next morning I had brusies and bite marks all over my body. When I showed them to the staff they freaked out but I was the one to say I think I need to ask Jesus into my heart now. Some would think that was the end of the story, but I will tell you it was that day I enlisted into a battle I never knew excited before. The only regret I have is that no one told me of the battle, only of the love and goodness. I stayed another three weeks at the house learning of God and building a relationship of sorts with Him. At this point in my life I simply told God I would love and serve Him but He couldnt love me back. I was told of a Ranch where one could go to prepare for Bible collage, and that night I packed my bags to go. The next day I asked about going and they called and the ranch said not right now, but in my heart I knew I was going and that night the ranch called back and said your flight is in two hours the staff told me to go pack I replied all ready have. I flew to Cailforina and was taken to Three Rivers Ranch where my life was about to change forever.
I have never been one to do anything half way, but that doesn’t mean I do it the easy way either. I fought tooth and toe agaist God’s love aginst anyone and anything that tried to get me to open up. My job was the barn and at first I did my job alone. Then a few weeks into my stay at the Ranch Daine showed up and became the lead over the barn. I hated her and thought she hated me. She pushed me in all sorts of ways when it came to my beliefs. Finally everthing came to a head and I asked to leave the ranch. I was told that I could but first I had to talk with Diane. I thought okay so I go talk with her and then I can go. She called me into her bedroom and stood between me and the door. We talked and again she pushed me I thought could just run but as I went to leave she grabbed me, (hated being touched) and I fought back taking the two of us to the floor she wouldn’t let go wrapped in her arms was the first time I had cried in years and I could not only feel her love but God’s in that hug. She asked me that day why I was so afraid of love. I didn’t have an anwser at that time but we fast became friends and I began to open up. I learned to call God Daddy (huge for me meant I accepted a small part of His love, Couldn’t do that calling Him Father). I learn to scream, yell, laugh, cry and that God wouldnt quit loving me because of it. I was even baptise in the frog pond on my 21st birthday.
I left the Ranch after about year. I did end up going to Bible Collage and working thru more of my love issuses. ended up going to New York Freedom Village for trouble teens and learning more about God’s love but the battle was still raging and eventually I ended up in New York City. Where a pastor took advanage of my mixed up knowledge of love and tried to help me though my fear of touch (ha ha sex didn’t help).
I finally went home to help my dad thru hip replacement, which didn’t work out and worked as a nanny while counseling with pastor Bob about no other thing than Gods LOVE. I made huge steps and became to be able to live in love, not God’s but mans I began to understand I was lovible. It was then I met Mike and fell in love. A year later we were married. Life was fairly good better than I had known it to be. Yet my inner demons where still battling to undersstand Gods love. After 11 miscarriage I finally had a child, William, living and two years later and a miscarriage I had another little boy,Johnathan. Life had forced us back to Kanab and I was not doing well on the emotional part of my soul as I still battled against God’s love. I because sucidal and a friend took me to a pastor’s house to talk with him. He invited me to Bible study on Thrusdays. Now first I have to tell you I have always been able to feel people, is a part of why don’t like touch. When Charlie shook my hand I can’t tell you how strong the power of God and His love was in that handshake (it scared me so bad I said to myself No Way will I be going to Bible study with him leading it) but come thrusday couldn’t help myself and went. Of course at that time they were doing a study on God’s love, I really can’t remember much of what was taught cause at that end they all stood, held hands and prayed. That first week Charlie asked to pray for me and I said no and RAN. I hated myself for running but couldn’t help myself either, I would swear each week I wasn’t going back and yet each week I was there only to end up running by the end of it. Then about 6 months into going I was late and the only seat left was next to Charlie and away from the door. We held the usually Bible Study and as usual they all stood and held hands and began to pray. There was no where to run but the bathroom so that is where I went but when came out they were still praying and Charlie asked anyone else and by God I raised my hand and innered that circle. He asked what to pray for and all I could say is you know. As he prayed I could feel God’s love but I also was His light surround me when Charlie took my hands I was slain in the spirit as if I was dead and I felt for the first time in my life the total and fullfilling love of God. I don’t know how long I was on that floor I only knew that if I could of it would of been forever.
This amazing event changed my life. I was able to accept, recieve and feel God’s love to the core of my being. I could walk in all the things I had learned and life began to really make a bit of sence to me. I wish I could say that I could remain here but as psyical life rages around us and our past catches up to us we can’t remain in that prefect love for long and soon I remembered the experince but it all became just a memory years later when all hell would break loss once again and the battle would renew it’s self in my life.
The story will countie in the post called forgiveness/love
(I have given the first name of the People God has used to teach me of Love)



We moved to California while I was carrying my little girls, Charlie had prophesized that I was carrying my hearts desire (a girl) before I even knew I was. I lost the first just before the move and was very fear filled that I wouldn’t be able to carry the remaining two girls to full term, but clung to that God was giving my hearts desire. Not to say I wasn’t fearful of raising a girl as I know I am not a girly girl at all. Finally I gave birth to Rachel and Sarra. Sarra was considered still born although that little five inches long baby struggled for two hours before passing back into God’s hands. He did leave me Rachel and boy did she teach me about love.
Two years later I gave birth to Christopher, a rape child yet couldn’t be more loved if I tried. I regret that his birth put me in such an emotional state that his first year I was in and out of metal instutions. Where I was raped once again and opt to have an abortion of the little girl I found out I was carrying on my birthday. I did end up going to Ohio in hopess of saving my own life, leaving my children in California with there dad and eventually forcing my family to Ohio as well. Not a good thing but I couldn’t let them go. This began a rip in I and Mike’s relationship. I waddled around in the pain of my past for almost two years. I found that I couldn’t forgive myself for the things of my past and had to begin to find away to because God already had.
I don’t mention to often in this blog that I am MPD/DID for those of you that don’t know what that is it is multi personialty disorder or changed to Disocalation indentity disorder big names for survival coping skills mostly, it just mean extreme PTSD post tramaic stress disorder as a child during the time of learning personal indentity and I made a parts of me to surivive the different situtations in my life. Very brief lay mans way of putting it but I don’t see it as a disorder, illness, or even a handicap. It is just way I live. So just imagine for a moment that you have a whole city in your head and each person works and talks and belongs to this city, all are apart of the whole but the outside (body) only shows one at a time. Over time you learn to not show when the outside person changes, and you learn how to which to the inside person best able to handle and outside situtation. You also learn to talk in your head with all kinds of people while talking outside to those people around the body. Life can be really noisy but you come to love each inside person.
I explained this so you will understand this next part of the story. I have live this way for as long as I can remember. I final quit therapy as I was trier of waddling around in pain and my past and not living in the today and firgured God was all the real therapy I needed. Although Therapy did teach me to accept every part of me and that even the things I though I had done were awful, they were what that part felt had to be done to survive. a basic form of forgiveness. I was studying my Bible and coming to grips with that God accepted us as individual parts.(although most people couldn’t).
I began going to a church and have described in other post the downfall of our system so won’t do it again here. This did begin to raise the question that if I didn’t know God’s vioce then was I His? About that time Mike was in a huge actident that left me afraid I would loss him. A drunk drive drove thru our home. Then as a family we choose to move back out west. I learned the most about forgiveness at the family Reuion that I neven intend to go to and you read that in the earlier post.
Once I had been in Neveda almost a year is when I learned the biggest lesson of Forgiveness and love I ever could. It was a sunday and the pastor’s wife had made the announcements at church then felt the need to ask people not to share things at church with those outside ( don’t get me wrong only sharing this as it lead to a huge lesson for me) it was not right to do it in church with alot of people that didn’t know what was going on, myself included but because of the pain I felt come off of her while she was talking lead me to remember a deep hurt that happen to me several months earilier. A couple of days later during devotionals it all of sudden came to me. Choose love! We all get hurt or hurt others. We have a choice to make when this happens. We can choose hate and angier or we can choose Love and forgiveness. neither can run out or dry. It was this morning I made the choice to choose love and forgiveness. When hurt I can choose to forgive and love that person. What a wonderful lesson. I know I am still on a journey but I have decided that in it all to choose LOVE!
Happy Valentines day! Take a moment and think about your personal love jounery and story then maybe share it with someone you love. I love each of you and choose to share this with you.

Valentines ideas

Valentines is less than a week away.
This year I am trying hard to put back romance and love into my hubby and my relationship. As well as be prepared for the different holidays and actives before they surprise me. So thought with valentines coming up would blog about dates, Romanic things can do for your partner and gifts that don’t cost a lot but your time. As always Valentines has to remain within our families tight budget but all that I listed below could easily remain budget friendly and only take a bit of extra time and creative.
Group dates: fun fundraisers for youth groups of those that need dating fun in group setting.
Couple’s Minute to Win It Games {group date} ~ Who says Valentine’s day romance has to mean candle light and dinner for two. Invite your favorite couples to play fun couples minute to win it games and see what loving couple will come out the victor. Laughter can be romantic too.
Amazing Race – Valentine Addition {group date} ~ plan it just like the race on TV or make your love one run it alone as you cook dinner for them. a fun way to celebrate as a group.
Date Night Invite ask your significant other out on a date. The invite reads, “So I’ve been thinking about you a lot and how you always go out of your way to do sweet things for me and I’ve been thinking that it was definitely my turn to return the favor. So I’m taking you out on a date.”!
Date Night at the Drive In ~ Grab some blankets, snacks and your honey and head to the Drive In! NO Drive Ins near you, move the Tv outside with extension cord and back the car up fill it with all things need to for date and watch favorite DVD!
You don’t have to spend any money to create a romantic atmosphere. Built a blanket fort, add some twinkly lights and blankets. And, spend the night exchanging love letters, talking and falling in love all over again. Tip: Use lights from Christmas to dress up the area.
Watch Lady and Tramp while eating a platter of Spaghetti and meatballs by candle light on a make shift box table little in the movie. You could even try eating the same noddle but watch out that it doesn’t lead into kissing 🙂

Cards, Flowers candies, and Gifts are apart of any valentines
What a wonderful gift a bottle of Love notes to be read anytime and over and over. Make it special with fancy papers and stickers.1ac67e9e2c12bfaa34822e6af056d040
another simple gift is chocolate covered heart strawberries, a basket of berries, a large chocolate bar, sprinkles and a microwave will get ohs and ahs from your partner.
I hate, let me say that again hate cut flowers. They die and depress me to the utmost so what would do for me in the flower department? Why paper roses of course. Find out how here
add a special handmade card and you have gone all out for your love find out
how to make them here
I hope these ideas help you have a very special day with the one you love!

A Month of Love Thy Self

A Month of Love
This month being valentines I am giving you a homework assignment if you so choose to take it. 28 days of love thy self!

Day 1-
I did this one a couple of years ago. body paint love messages to yourself all over your body and take pics of it. For those of you that can’t draw or paint stand in front of mirror and list all those things you love about yourself.
Day 2-
Love note Jar remember all those things you said or painted on day one today write them down and put in a pretty jar to last you the whole year. For those of you that would rather then write a list of affirmations and repeat them each day to fill your jar. you can take the whole month to write notes or affirmation to fill your jar. Then take your time pulling one out a day and reading them to do over again and again.IMG_0877

day 3-
Spa day! A gift to yourself some of you will have to work this one in or it might only be a couple of hours after work but don’t forget. spend 5 dollars at the dollar store and pick you up a couple of nice little things to make this time special then grab a good book or movie a couple of treats and let today say I LOVE U to yourself.
day 4- pocket treasure
Today you are to find a small item that will easily fit in your pocket. It can be a rock with the word love painted on it. if you love angels it can be a pendent of an angel. Myself I love butterflies and mind is the butterfly from the kids cycle of life kit. Now carry it in your pocket from this day on and every time your hand touches it say aloud I love myself. Ya can be funny some of the places I have ended up having to say aloud I love myself, but have come to realize the more embrassing the place the deeper it touches my being to hear it.
Today forget the diet. Forget what you should do. Take today to treat yourself. Mind is homemade fudge. I can still taste: Christmas fudge the only time year I get fudge, so today it is my treat, it doesn’t have to be food it can be anything an extra bit of sleep, a walk in the park at lunch. Just remember it is to be a special treat to yourself.
A quiet moment! yes I said a quiet moment and today with our life’s full of stress and demands from us to take a few moments of nothing but quietness with ourselves can sometimes be very uncomfortable. Take this moment today to listen to your soul and hear it for what it is. Then you can go back to your busy life, but your soul will thank you for a moments notice.
Do everything for you today the way you like it. Ya I know I have a family too and they don’t like the same foods as I do, but quess what, all year I eat the foods they like no matter if I like them or not so today they get to eat my favorite foods. They get to watch what I want to watch and all things are done on my time frame. This is MY DAY and I DECLARE it because I love ME!
day 8-
today laugh out loud day! find something anything that strikes you funny once an hour and laugh out loud! Even if it is just of the face those around you made the first hour you started this LOL. watch out laughter is as catching as yawns and pretty soon a lot will be laughing with you.
Forgive yourself. Don’t punish yourself for something you have done in the past. Instead, look at the mistake as a learning experience. Say to yourself now: “I forgive myself for _______.” Go look in a mirror and say it out loud to yourself. Look yourself right in the eyes and speak forgiveness like you mean it. Don’t ever demean or ridicule yourself. If you do, laugh out loud, realizing that was then and this is now. Every day is a new beginning. If you did something you are not proud of, resolve to never do it again, and take steps to keep it out of your mind.
day 10-
Embrace negatives and turn them into positives. Every time you realize a negative emotion, pause and feel it; then thank yourself for feeling it, accepting it. Emotions are nothing more than internal experiences which contribute to who we are. Accepting problems (negative things) as opportunities (good things) in another perspective can yield great results (problem solving). We are all going to have our rough days be in that moment then let it go.
day 11-
Treat yourself like you treat your very best friend. How do you treat your very best friend? Do you treat him/her with love, kindness, trust, appreciation, acceptance, and respect? If you can give that to your friend, why can’t you give that to yourself? Practice treating yourself like you treat your very best friend, by saying kind words to yourself. Stop calling yourself names. Stop beating yourself up. Give yourself compliments. Know your boundaries, and listen deeply to your needs. Always be kind and gentle with yourself. Erase the Negative tapes and replace them with loving kind ones.
day 12-
Do something you love today. Read a book, paint a picture, go for a hike. What do you love to do? Today to that thing you love.
day 13-
Drop a package, note, card or something in the mail addressed to yourself that says I love you! You will receive this back in a day or two usually the next day. Won’t it be fun tomorrow being valentines that your received a valentine from yourself, saying I love you?
Valentines- you should receive your valentine from self today. today is celebrate with those you love their love for you and yours for them. it can be friends, family, partner, child doesn’t matter today glow in the love have for you and receive it. express your love to others. want get really crazy end every phone call with I love you. I did this or year and had to explain to many people I can love them even don’t know them such as telemarketers LOL.
Practice saying “no”. This one was really hard for me. I didn’t think I was a people pleaser, but this gift to myself proved me wrong. It is okay to say “no” to people when you do not feel like doing something. Do not feel guilty about it. Just realize that you have the right to do so. This is different from doing things out of love. If you do things out of love, and your heart wants to do them, that is a different story. When your heart does not want to do it, and you feel like you have to please someone, and make others happy by over-extending yourself.
⦁ Learning how to say “no” is an art. It takes practice. You might say “Thank you for asking. I am not ready to commit to doing anything right now.” You cannot please everyone.
⦁ When you say “no”, remember to smile sincerely and say “no” gracefully.
Today we learn that we all come “AS IS” we have to learn we are just the way we are, accepting ourselves as is means we can change those things we may not want.
day 17-
today start a grateful journal. can be a simple notebook or on facebook, but today and for the rest of the month write down three things you were grateful thru out your day. It can be silly things as that last package of sugar for my coffee this morning, to true wonderful things as the beautiful sunset you got to wittiness with your own eyes.
do a random deed of kindness for someone else today. I know this is a love yourself month but loving others allows you to love yourself. Let someone in front of you in line, hole the door for the mother herding her children into store, or give a handful of change to a stranger just because. This will tell your soul I love you but I also love the world around me, and it will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside as well.
day 19-
Stand up for yourself. An important part of loving yourself is sticking up for yourself. When someone is mean to you, you need to say something and let them know you’re not going to stand for that behavior. However, you shouldn’t be mean in return. You should never be mean. In doing so, you create the same environment for others that led you to not love yourself in the first place.
day 20-
Today buy yourself a gift no more than 10 dollars. has love books for as low as .75 and shipping. Amazon as jewelry for pennies plus shipping. love shoes can find all kinds on the wish app for as low as 4 dollars plus shipping. Today take time to order yourself a gift or purchase one from the store. Please make it something that will last and something when you use you can be reminded to tell yourself you are loved!
Today make out a wish board, or a board of hope. piece of paper with clippings from magazine of the things that give you hope or that help you dream bigger and brighter. Be careful not to put things on your board that will drag you down because you just want more material items or that aren’t going to be within your means. my board wishes for spring flowers in my garden, baby animals to be born to the farm, and a night out with my hubby.
“Smize”. Yep smile with your eyes! At one time I could smile or even laugh (no not kidding) My first step was to learn to smile with my eyes then as I went thru my days trying to smize my way thru my began bringing that smile to my lips and finally learning to laugh. This will so brighten your life that you will soon find others smizing back. Learn how here
Picnic hehe yes know it’s February and some places it cold outside but winter picnics can be so much fun. Warm soup and fuzzy blanket on a trap and a good book in the park at lunch break is an amazing lunch on a picnic. For those of you that can brave the weather turn your desk at work into a fancy picnic and enjoy your lunch.
day 24-
Learn something new! I have found without in thought to it I learn live lessons each day. Today learn anything at all new!
Today give yourself a chance to touch your dreams. Everyone dreams, but not equally. Too many people dream only at night in the quiet of their own minds, and then awake to find it was all an illusion. Don’t be one of them. Dream by the day instead. Be one of the people who dream with their eyes wide open, and who works to make them come true. Rest when you are tired, but don’t give up. You never know what’s just around the corner. It could be everything you’ve been working for, or it might be just another mile marker on your journey. Either way, when you keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day the next step you take will be the one that carries you to your goal. Dream big today and reach for it!
day 26-
The freedom to express your whole truth. The greatest and most gratifying experiences in life cannot be seen or touched. They must be felt with the heart from the inside out. There’s nothing more inspiring than the complexity and beauty of human, heartfelt feelings. Sadly though, many people let the fear of judgment numb and silence them. Their deepest thoughts and feelings often go unspoken, and thus barely understood. Do NOT let people invalidate or minimize how you feel. If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you. Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that, ever. No one else lives in your body, or sees life through your eyes. No one else has lived through your exact experiences. And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel. Your feelings are important. Don’t let anyone lead you to believe otherwise. Today feel your world!
Teach someone else it is okay to love themselves today. The greatest gift we can give ourselves is love and when we truly love ourselves we want to share ourselves with others. So today share your lessons in self love with another.
SCREAM “I LOVE MYSELF” you can do this where others will here it, or you can find a private spot and do it there but I do mean really SCREAM it! I know wasn’t easy for me either. believe it or not at one time I didn’t know how to scream I could yell but not scream.
day 29-
Just in case I forgot and this year is leap year one last assignment LOL.
repeat any of the above assignments you struggled with and know you are worthy of love as I love each of you and myself!!!

Please if you do this share with me your journey here or on facebook.

Getting Organized

LOL call this post getting organized and then spent all month doing rather than posting. Another thing that a new year brings with it is this deep need within me to get everything organized. It doesn’t matter if it’s the yearly budget, the cabinets, closets, barn, or just the Christmas decorations. Like spring and spring clean the new year always brings with it this deep seeded need to Organize my life. Only seems to last about a month before onto something else but January’s list and organizing bout seems to help me thru the year.
First I grab all the receipts and tax papers, can never do this in April. in an organizing frame of mind I ready everything for tax time. usually file in February after get all the extra paper work to file with, but having my folder ready and waiting helps me like nothing else.
Secondly, We as a family live on disability and it’s not a lot let me tell you, of course the children who can work do.(As they have gotten older they pay for their own food and generator gas, and any trips in vehicle they need. During this time of a year I make a yearly budget and yes like all things it has to be flexible. I do make a budget of anything that making payments on, anything that is a Must and a few of the most like to haves. trying to leave as much room and money left over for building up the dream. I get one of those huge desk calendars and write each months budget in at the top of the month along with any things like birthdays, vacations, reunions, etc… on the days when happening. usually refer back to this the first week of each month helps me not have to plan for days before going out.
Thirdly and this one is the hardest at this time of year. I make up two menus one winter and one summer. I don’t know about you but my family eats different during each season one year tried out making 4 different menus really didn’t work two is enough cold weather calls for soups, Hot chocolate and oatmeal things like that a lot of protein items. Summer calls for fresh fruits and veggies, sandwiches, ice cream a lot of fresh eggs in many different ways, etc… This takes a lot of time and a lot of thinking, I keep a recipe for favorites as well in this folder and a shopping list as usually only go shopping one to two times a month. It is such a blessing on the way to town to just pick up my folder and know if cold out use this list if hot out then use this one. No hours of beating my head against wall each month to come up with a menu and shopping list. I can be more concern about sales and savings this way and know a basic food bill each month. Yes I shop for all of us then children pay for their parts and pick up any extras they want for their trailers. So much cheaper for everyone this way. ensample- Cheaper to buy 100lbs sugar and divide amounts 6 trailers as needed than for each trailer to buy a small box or bag each. This works really well with sugar, flour, spices, large blocks of cheese and other things that full container would take a long time to use cause use such small amounts.
Then comes the important paper box. This box wholes all shot recorders, pictures, titles, insurance cards, warrants, and school recorders. you get the idea I clean it out and make sure anything missing is replaced. Place the tax folder back into this box till ready for it.
If get all these things done and still have the organizing bug biting at me I organize all my holidays and specialty items into special boxes throwing out broken items making list of what needs to be replaced. Then it’s on to closets and drawers doing the same thing with clothing although most of the time this would be done on Laundry day once in while something slips thru the cracks like holey socks. I like to keep between 8-16 outfits per person so not too much to sort thru you have to laundry once a week two weeks at the most and when purchasing clothes you have to really love them. usually it’s 8 outfits for cold and 8 for warm weather. since the children have gotten older I only have two now that I buy clothes for and they don’t grow out of them as fast sometimes something will last a couple of years or they will purchase additional items making their closets fuller. Hubby is the worse of these and could and would have a years worth of t-shirts alone if didn’t clean out closet on him. this chore falls under spring cleaning also so if not done now will be when that bug bites LOL.
Recently was given over 300 DVDs Had collected about 100 ourselves over the last couple of years(no TV here so DVDs takes it’s place) still working on a way to organize these something like I do with all my books. Thinking of taking all the disk and putting in numbered file and then all the cover cases into binder with matching number so takes up less space, more organized but still have cover picture to decide witch want to watch. This slot could go to anything you have collected my two favorites are books and movies in that order!
Finally January marks the end of Semester for my youngest now that he is High School. So this is the time check grades. Make sure he is on track with his four year plan, and review his goals for after High School. I have began to set aside a budget for dorm room items he will need as he plans to go to collage. As well as checking out ways to find the funds for him to attend, budgeting the care packages he will need etc… If you have a child in High School this is the time to think of what happens when they finish. If it is moving into a house and working then what will they need to get started. If it is collage how will you pay for it, and what will they need during this time. I make a plan with each of my children when they enter High School and then work with that plan, remaining flexible according to their changes in dreams.
LoL as you can see been very busy this month and still have one more week to finish a couple of the loss ends. Stay busy journey well and laugh often.

Setting Goals

It’s a new year and a time that we all think about setting goals. I have learned that setting goals is important but just as important is being flexible to allow the change of those goals along the way. Having a huge dream and setting goals to met that dream is great but if the small steps have to change and you still met the dream then be flexible sometimes things turn out even better than first thought for it.
Example- When we first moved here we planned to build little straw and cob cabins looking at things in Ohio we taught could do this for about 500 dollars each. We didn’t know finding and purchasing straw out here was going to be so difficult and expensive. our 500 dollar budget quickly turned to 2000 each. That was way outside of what could afford. 8 cabins at 2000 dollars a piece would put us at 16000 just for cabins no way could we do that. especially when the cabins were just suppose to be individual bedrooms. So we had to rethink things. in our area there are a lot of travel trailers that need work but provide a bedroom, an individual bathroom, all plumbing and electrical are all ready in them and some even have a full kitchen (great private space for older children) and the cost between 500-1000 a piece if not for free ( yes found one in the dump) and only cost for the three bedroom mobile home that will take up the space of two cabins was for moving it out of the alley the city didn’t want it in to land. Ok agree with you trailers have none of the look of little cabins and will cost a bit more to skirt and put siding around to make look right. so decided to skirt the trailers with what else than free rocks around property and surround them with pallets(free) and chicken wire (partly free) then cob to make them have the cabin look. No this wasn’t what we all had planned in the beginning but it does work for the over all goal and gives each person the private space as well as well defined shared spaces when we choose to be together. and keeps everything more within budget.
As you can see below even with changes things stay about same for the over all housing plans.plans

Leaving each person with a home and space of their own yet keeping it very family centered as well. The Mobile home allows for quest bedroom/ bath, a computer room, a library/homework room, living/TV room, indoor shower/bath and indoor kitchen/pantry. All shared family areas. The courtyards give protected quiet places outdoors to go according to mood, outdoor kitchen gives an entertaining area for all to share. Each trailer gives a small full kitchen, sitting area, bath, and bedroom to it’s person for times of alone time and privacy.
to your right will be gardens, orchard, berry field and to bottom barn/pasture. To the left is the herb garden and bottom shop, to top well house and possibly trailers for parents in future.
When dreaming and setting goals leave room for flexibility as well as future growth as dreams are something that can and should change with your journey. Lastly don’t belittle yourself if you set a goal and things outside of your control have to change the time frame of it for almost two years we have planned on drilling a well so don’t have to haul water, neither the budget or the timing has been right so far it’s still on the list but there will come a right timing and the budget to get it we just have to keep working at it. Doesn’t mean we failed just because haven’t been able to get it done yet. means life sometimes takes a twist and have to yes twist it back to that goal at some point. Sometimes we don’t meet a goal towards are dreams and find ourselves belittling and cutting ourselves down or thinking we are failures because of it. That isn’t so! Sometimes the most important thing on list has to go to backseat for a bit because something else is first for a bit is all.

Looking Forward 2015

OH my another New Year and so many plans!
Jan- get everyone well and prepare the rest of the little things
Feb- Move the mobile home across the front
Mar- Get the materials to build barn, coops and pastures
April- turn the garden soil, finish garden walls, solar shower and begin planting berries orchard
May- have well drilled if budget allows
June finish planting, and building barn area , add pigs to animals
July- Mom and Dads 50th
Aug begin the courtyard walls
Sept- winterizing and planting fall plants
Oct- settling in a bit o relaxing
Nov- thanksgiving
Dec Christmas

may not seem like much and wish hadn’t lost pictures of last years achievements, I will try to keep you all more posted this year as things go along.

Heather Williams


What can one say Heather and I were world’s apart but sisters at the same time. She came into my life as a life coach and greet my creative with joy. She encouraged me, laughed with me and cried with me as I learned to accept who I am. She allowed me to be me to the fullest and shared who she was. I will miss you Heather and I thank you for being apart of my journey and helping me along the way!


As My laptop died in March and I couldn’t blog there is so much to catch you all up on. I learned so many things thru out the year. First in March I learned to celebrate the fact that I wanted to live! then lost touch with friends and family as couldn’t get online or blog. In April we celebrate Rachel reaching 17 and we began our summer work on the land. Lots of little things happened and we begin building a solar shower as well as getting garden in that didn’t do real well cause soil needed work. We had lots of car troubles and the budget wasn’t enough to do all we wanted too. We finally headed into Aug and did get to go see my parents for 5 days and met An actor that I had played an extra in one of his movies, was fun introducing my children to him. We had a big scare when Rachel tried to kill herself and we had to work thru it as a family. Things started working out well for us in Oct but then in Nov my mom became very ill and so went to visit she nearly died on us 4 times in first three days there and the stress was so much that we came home only to send the boys back under the thought of doing seeding to keep an eye on things. By thanksgiving she was doing much better and we had Thanksgiving out on the Ranch after butching our turkeys. It was about this time I found out thru snail mail one of my dear friends who I began this journey with had pasted back in Aug. Winter has remained at bay as we entered Dec and We tried to make everyone’s trailers warm enough for them to stay in. As a family we put on a Christmas program for the church and I worked on putting all the little decorations for the sage brush tree this year. Then just a few days before Christmas Mike became very sick and things started going down hill again, wasn’t sure if Christmas was going to be a joyful time or not. As life would have it we celebrated a peaceful loving Christmas Rachel even came out and spent the day with us. We struggled thru the rest of the year trying to get everyone well and hoping to make the new year bright. I learned that although you may not see a lot of things taking place that the little pieces are just as important on this journey as the bigger ones. I learned that sometimes the day to day things that might seem boring at the time add up to a huge thing when you look at them as a world. So although 2014 was filled with little things being done here and there and may not of seemed like a lot in the long run she was an important year for us here on the ranch.

February in review

It is march 1st and February flew by so fast it left our heads a spinning. So many life lessons learn will be posting about the biggest one a bit later first a month in review for you all. February warmed up a bit around here and we received a couple of days of rain that soaked the desert to 2 feet down which was amazing and very much needed. William got a new geo metro car from a trade of the suburban which he will be learning to drive, it’s a stick and be able to take himself back and forth to work shortly.
Mike came up with this really cool idea of building a rock wall around my garden area to help protect the plants from the wind and surprisingly he is nearly half way finished. Finally finished the road straight out from our land to main road which is a great relief. I purchased 20 new little chicks and they are doing wonderful all but one who died the first night. We began clearing the bush away from the garden area. We celebrated our right to bear arms on president’s day with a huge airsoft war and bar-b-que. Rachel began making her prom dress out of homecoming dress and feathered butterflies. Christopher learned how to handle bullies at school. We dealt with child protection people a second time around because Mike popped Rachel in mouth for sassing and she told a teacher about it. (I thought it wonderful that the teacher did his job in reporting it. Yes, troublesome to have to go thru all that again for something so small. But I am so glad I know that my kids are safe.)Things worked out really well and hoping that lessons learned will make life easier now, so far it has been a lot better on the sassy side of things. (think we all have to test boundaries from time to time) I sorted thru all my seeds for the garden and found that I only have to purchase 3-5 packets this year. Where normally I would have to purchase around 50. I began collecting seeds last year just before leaving Ohio and didn’t get to plant last year as well as I do a seed exchange in the fall for any of you that are willing to I collect seeds from my gardens and send to you and you collect seeds from yours and send my way. This helps us all have plenty for next year. As well as going on and trading for seeds.
Then I made up all the garden markers. We met a new friend, He is 78 years old and had a bunch of old windows he gave to us. Using a couple to make window green houses for starting my seeds in. All the normal usual things such as work, school and raising animals on the land. The Chickens are beginning to lay eggs again. Oh and not to forget learning to frost plant and actually doing it. rained again last night so will soon see green sprouts all about I do believe. He he this is kind of a scatter review of the month of February and I am hoping to put up picture again soon. Wonder how your month went and if you have began to see spring and make plans for what you would like to do?