It’s Valentines day and I been thinking about my misunderstanding of love. Growing up I didn’t feel loved, I wasn’t sure even how to define the word. I had learned how to please a man sexually through abuse. I had friends but even the word friend seem to mean something different to me than those around me. I seem to think deeper and wasn’t any good at small talk or surface emotions. In High school I dated a single boy, and I stood on the outside with a handful of friends. I learned to fear what I thought love was when my boyfriend broke up with me because I wasn’t wife material.
In collage I sold my body to support myself and learned sex had nothing to do with love. I began to explore my belief systems and found that they were wanting in many ways. I had such a whole in my soul that I turned to drugs, achoocl, and sex to try and fill it. I even tried to take my life several times to excape the empininess that was in me, becoming angry when therapist thought I had attempted sucide over something so minor as love.
By the time I was 20 years old I lived on the streets, did drugs to forget and sold my body to survive. I had hit rock bottom and wasnt sure if there was a God or not; but under it all in the deepest part of my soul I still hoped there was a God. I had grew up believing in and working hard to prove myself to the church so that God would love me and in the hidden moments I concider God my friend and would often wander the wildness behind my childhood home talking to what I thought was God, I repeatedly read the Bible in hopes of finding Him and yet I with all my knowledge of God I did not KNOW Him. Just three weeks before My twenty first birthday everything came to a head. My pimp was picked up for armed robbery, I tried to turn back to the church for help and they refused me, and when I finally reached out to help from the sucide hotline asking to speak with a bishop wasn’t given a pastor at a home with Youth with a Misson, who told me they had a home for me to come to but the intake person was gone for the weekend and would have to wait till Monday. I was so lost within myself that I took all the drugs I had left in one doze and started hitch hiking from Vegas to Cailforina. I remember getting almost to LA, when turned around and hitched hike back, where I called the pastor back and told him what I had done. I remember being on that phone for so longer and so confused and lost that I dont turely know how they found me but a van pulled up and asked me to come with them and with nothing to lose I did so.
I was taken to a house somewhere in Vegas, to this day I have no idea where it is. I was ran by YWAM and I given chores, and had to attend daily Bible studies. I came off the drugs just three days into my stay and never felt any of the withdrawls I would of normally. I was extremely anies and on that thrid day asked to go for a walk. They told me would have to wait till after dinner when one of the staff could go with me. When we began walking it was in silence and I only remeber one thing from it. The staff asked me if I want to accept Jesus into my heart. I replied “thinking about it”. We walked till almost dark and then I went to my room, where I was alone for all the other girls had been trasfered or left. I got down on my knees next to the bed and I looked at the floor and said I know who you are and severed you all my life. Then looked at the ceiling and said They tell me who you are and that you can take care of me and love me. I don’t care witch of you it is but I do know I can’t go on with this whole in me. Which ever of you fills it, I will sever you for the rest of my life. Got up and climbed into bed and went to sleep. I can not describe to you what happened that night in words. I can say while I slept all hell broke loss I was in a fight for my life in my dreams agaist monsters full of darkest and ones full of ligt. When I woke the next morning I had brusies and bite marks all over my body. When I showed them to the staff they freaked out but I was the one to say I think I need to ask Jesus into my heart now. Some would think that was the end of the story, but I will tell you it was that day I enlisted into a battle I never knew excited before. The only regret I have is that no one told me of the battle, only of the love and goodness. I stayed another three weeks at the house learning of God and building a relationship of sorts with Him. At this point in my life I simply told God I would love and serve Him but He couldnt love me back. I was told of a Ranch where one could go to prepare for Bible collage, and that night I packed my bags to go. The next day I asked about going and they called and the ranch said not right now, but in my heart I knew I was going and that night the ranch called back and said your flight is in two hours the staff told me to go pack I replied all ready have. I flew to Cailforina and was taken to Three Rivers Ranch where my life was about to change forever.
I have never been one to do anything half way, but that doesn’t mean I do it the easy way either. I fought tooth and toe agaist God’s love aginst anyone and anything that tried to get me to open up. My job was the barn and at first I did my job alone. Then a few weeks into my stay at the Ranch Daine showed up and became the lead over the barn. I hated her and thought she hated me. She pushed me in all sorts of ways when it came to my beliefs. Finally everthing came to a head and I asked to leave the ranch. I was told that I could but first I had to talk with Diane. I thought okay so I go talk with her and then I can go. She called me into her bedroom and stood between me and the door. We talked and again she pushed me I thought could just run but as I went to leave she grabbed me, (hated being touched) and I fought back taking the two of us to the floor she wouldn’t let go wrapped in her arms was the first time I had cried in years and I could not only feel her love but God’s in that hug. She asked me that day why I was so afraid of love. I didn’t have an anwser at that time but we fast became friends and I began to open up. I learned to call God Daddy (huge for me meant I accepted a small part of His love, Couldn’t do that calling Him Father). I learn to scream, yell, laugh, cry and that God wouldnt quit loving me because of it. I was even baptise in the frog pond on my 21st birthday.
I left the Ranch after about year. I did end up going to Bible Collage and working thru more of my love issuses. ended up going to New York Freedom Village for trouble teens and learning more about God’s love but the battle was still raging and eventually I ended up in New York City. Where a pastor took advanage of my mixed up knowledge of love and tried to help me though my fear of touch (ha ha sex didn’t help).
I finally went home to help my dad thru hip replacement, which didn’t work out and worked as a nanny while counseling with pastor Bob about no other thing than Gods LOVE. I made huge steps and became to be able to live in love, not God’s but mans I began to understand I was lovible. It was then I met Mike and fell in love. A year later we were married. Life was fairly good better than I had known it to be. Yet my inner demons where still battling to undersstand Gods love. After 11 miscarriage I finally had a child, William, living and two years later and a miscarriage I had another little boy,Johnathan. Life had forced us back to Kanab and I was not doing well on the emotional part of my soul as I still battled against God’s love. I because sucidal and a friend took me to a pastor’s house to talk with him. He invited me to Bible study on Thrusdays. Now first I have to tell you I have always been able to feel people, is a part of why don’t like touch. When Charlie shook my hand I can’t tell you how strong the power of God and His love was in that handshake (it scared me so bad I said to myself No Way will I be going to Bible study with him leading it) but come thrusday couldn’t help myself and went. Of course at that time they were doing a study on God’s love, I really can’t remember much of what was taught cause at that end they all stood, held hands and prayed. That first week Charlie asked to pray for me and I said no and RAN. I hated myself for running but couldn’t help myself either, I would swear each week I wasn’t going back and yet each week I was there only to end up running by the end of it. Then about 6 months into going I was late and the only seat left was next to Charlie and away from the door. We held the usually Bible Study and as usual they all stood and held hands and began to pray. There was no where to run but the bathroom so that is where I went but when came out they were still praying and Charlie asked anyone else and by God I raised my hand and innered that circle. He asked what to pray for and all I could say is you know. As he prayed I could feel God’s love but I also was His light surround me when Charlie took my hands I was slain in the spirit as if I was dead and I felt for the first time in my life the total and fullfilling love of God. I don’t know how long I was on that floor I only knew that if I could of it would of been forever.
This amazing event changed my life. I was able to accept, recieve and feel God’s love to the core of my being. I could walk in all the things I had learned and life began to really make a bit of sence to me. I wish I could say that I could remain here but as psyical life rages around us and our past catches up to us we can’t remain in that prefect love for long and soon I remembered the experince but it all became just a memory years later when all hell would break loss once again and the battle would renew it’s self in my life.
The story will countie in the post called forgiveness/love
(I have given the first name of the People God has used to teach me of Love)

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About bttrflysprit

Mother, daughter, wife, sister, MPD/DID, woman, someones child, are some of my titles. I am who I am and I am learning to be happy with that.

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