We moved to California while I was carrying my little girls, Charlie had prophesized that I was carrying my hearts desire (a girl) before I even knew I was. I lost the first just before the move and was very fear filled that I wouldn’t be able to carry the remaining two girls to full term, but clung to that God was giving my hearts desire. Not to say I wasn’t fearful of raising a girl as I know I am not a girly girl at all. Finally I gave birth to Rachel and Sarra. Sarra was considered still born although that little five inches long baby struggled for two hours before passing back into God’s hands. He did leave me Rachel and boy did she teach me about love.
Two years later I gave birth to Christopher, a rape child yet couldn’t be more loved if I tried. I regret that his birth put me in such an emotional state that his first year I was in and out of metal instutions. Where I was raped once again and opt to have an abortion of the little girl I found out I was carrying on my birthday. I did end up going to Ohio in hopess of saving my own life, leaving my children in California with there dad and eventually forcing my family to Ohio as well. Not a good thing but I couldn’t let them go. This began a rip in I and Mike’s relationship. I waddled around in the pain of my past for almost two years. I found that I couldn’t forgive myself for the things of my past and had to begin to find away to because God already had.
I don’t mention to often in this blog that I am MPD/DID for those of you that don’t know what that is it is multi personialty disorder or changed to Disocalation indentity disorder big names for survival coping skills mostly, it just mean extreme PTSD post tramaic stress disorder as a child during the time of learning personal indentity and I made a parts of me to surivive the different situtations in my life. Very brief lay mans way of putting it but I don’t see it as a disorder, illness, or even a handicap. It is just way I live. So just imagine for a moment that you have a whole city in your head and each person works and talks and belongs to this city, all are apart of the whole but the outside (body) only shows one at a time. Over time you learn to not show when the outside person changes, and you learn how to which to the inside person best able to handle and outside situtation. You also learn to talk in your head with all kinds of people while talking outside to those people around the body. Life can be really noisy but you come to love each inside person.
I explained this so you will understand this next part of the story. I have live this way for as long as I can remember. I final quit therapy as I was trier of waddling around in pain and my past and not living in the today and firgured God was all the real therapy I needed. Although Therapy did teach me to accept every part of me and that even the things I though I had done were awful, they were what that part felt had to be done to survive. a basic form of forgiveness. I was studying my Bible and coming to grips with that God accepted us as individual parts.(although most people couldn’t).
I began going to a church and have described in other post the downfall of our system so won’t do it again here. This did begin to raise the question that if I didn’t know God’s vioce then was I His? About that time Mike was in a huge actident that left me afraid I would loss him. A drunk drive drove thru our home. Then as a family we choose to move back out west. I learned the most about forgiveness at the family Reuion that I neven intend to go to and you read that in the earlier post.
Once I had been in Neveda almost a year is when I learned the biggest lesson of Forgiveness and love I ever could. It was a sunday and the pastor’s wife had made the announcements at church then felt the need to ask people not to share things at church with those outside ( don’t get me wrong only sharing this as it lead to a huge lesson for me) it was not right to do it in church with alot of people that didn’t know what was going on, myself included but because of the pain I felt come off of her while she was talking lead me to remember a deep hurt that happen to me several months earilier. A couple of days later during devotionals it all of sudden came to me. Choose love! We all get hurt or hurt others. We have a choice to make when this happens. We can choose hate and angier or we can choose Love and forgiveness. neither can run out or dry. It was this morning I made the choice to choose love and forgiveness. When hurt I can choose to forgive and love that person. What a wonderful lesson. I know I am still on a journey but I have decided that in it all to choose LOVE!
Happy Valentines day! Take a moment and think about your personal love jounery and story then maybe share it with someone you love. I love each of you and choose to share this with you.

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About bttrflysprit

Mother, daughter, wife, sister, MPD/DID, woman, someones child, are some of my titles. I am who I am and I am learning to be happy with that.

One response »

  1. Thank you for your honesty Donna. You know how far you have come, and I know how different you are now from when I first ‘met’ you. I am awe of our bravery and commitment.

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