As promised this blog is to fill you in on the huge life lesson I learned in February.
All my life for as long as I can remember I have wanted to die! I have attempted suicide so many times I have lost count. Once gave up on that I would do things that were dangerous with no regard for my safety. When that failed I would go to bed at night begging God to take me and wake in the morning cursing Him for not doing so. I had a death wish and that was to die. I didn’t fear death in the least; I feared life. Now don’t get worried or feel bad for me this was just my life. I existed just to exist and because that was what I was suppose to do, but deep in the back of my mind while having kids and marrying and doing all the things people do there was this deep desire to die. I don’t remember a time that I didn’t feel this way. A few years ago I wanted to quit smoking and the first step was to find out why you smoked in the first place. I learned I smoked because it was a legal way of suicide. People would tell me each time I lit up I was putting another nail in my coffin, they just didn’t realize that saying it was encouraging me. I am sharing with you these deepest feelings so you will understand the magnitude of the lesson I learned this last month.
Deep inside me there was a shift. I don’t know if it is because I finally feel like I am where I belong, or if it is because I have learned to like myself and made changes to those things I didn’t like about me. I don’t even know when it began. All I know is that suddenly this last month I felt different. Not that surface feelings different but my inner being felt different. So I pulled on my bravery boots and began looking within myself to see what all the change was. I hope you know what I mean when you get quite inside and start looking to understand yourself. It was quite inside my soul, oh no my soul was screaming…. fear gripped my heart and I thought what panic attacks were but nothing like this had I felt before. I did my centering and tried to relax into this new message from inside myself. I was chatting with a friend on Facebook when I finally said the words out loud or rather typed them.
I WANT TO LIVE!!! wow I don’t know if you all can understand the overwhelming that statement has for me. I don’t know how to live; I know how to exist. I don’t know what it means to live even. I know existence and survival. I went about my month as usual you can read in earlier post. The whole time My soul screamed I WANT TO LIVE at me. I am coming up on my 48th birthday and now you tell me this? so what is living? What do you mean you want to live? Ok so in today if we did to find something out we research it online right? So that is just what I do, I goggle What now that I want to live, and all these suicide sites pop up, so rephrase it and still time again all I get are suicide help sites. A week goes by and I finally share with hubby about this new message and that somehow for my birthday I am going to celebrate the fact that I now want to LIVE! I am still at a lost at what or how that is going to be and I am asking each of you to share ideas that might help me creatively accept and celebrate this new message.
I do know I have learned that living is taking the time to be in this moment right now good or bad and breathing it into your soul. I also know that laughter and joy of what is all around us in each moment is part of that living. I know loving and accepting who I am and how God made me is all part of this living. Knowing the purpose for your life is apart of living and I know my purpose is to find balance in all things and to help others find their balance. As well as to praise and worship God my creator within that balance.
So My huge lesson this last month is to learn that deep down within me I have decided I WANT TO LIVE!
Take a moment and see what your soul is saying to you. You don’t have to share like I did but take a moment once in a while to see what is happening within your being, everything we do or say affects our souls. Only a few will ever take the time to hear it.