I have really been thinking this week about how to become my exceptional self. I am exceptional in who I am, but for years I have hidden that from the world, for a number of reasons. People seemed to be afraid of who I really was, I think too much and am to straight forward with the answers when people really didn’t want the question answered in the first place. Then there is what some would say is the darker side of me, that really scares people. I am passionate about my emotions and express them fully even anger and yes I am a woman. (so many women believe that as a woman they can have true anger) So for years I have hidden who I am from the world around me and tried to be whatever I believed the world wanted from me (some of this was simple survival).

As you have been reading I have been in search of me, I never thought of what would I do when I found me. The truth is I didn’t have to look far, I have always known who I am, the hard part is allowing myself to be just as I am, not fitting into the norm. I have a family and they expect me to be a certain way, yet in being as they expect I become depressed. I don’t like being like that, I want more. Then comes the question what is it I want and how will it be if I go after what I want with no regard for those around me.

Frist I want to be wild and free. How will this affect my family? Might be embarrassing, or silly to them, but I use to not care and they survived my acting like a child in Wal-Mart playing with the toys and such so why can’t I return to that way of being?

Second I want a simple life. This might be harder on some rather than others. I hate owning so much non-sense. This is where the homestead comes into play. I really want to live and work the land for mine and my family’s survival.

Third I want to dress the way I feel like dressing, I have dumbed down and lazified my dressing to please my hubby and you know what now he hates the way I dress. I want to return to only wearing dresses, and if that is too dressy for him, well that is what he used to love about me. I want to return to my total female side. Wearing makeup and doing my hair other than in a bun and even working a farm in a dress.

I want to be able to take care of things as needed and not have to search everything to the worlds end to make enough money to make ends meet. They never do meet it is all an illusion and I am so trier of that illusion.

So what am I doing to make these wants happen? First I am cleaning out everything and cutting it all down to a little bit of specials. Then I am purchasing the land to build the homestead on and selling everything not needed. The thing it is the waiting for school to end this year to be able to make the move that is the hardest part. Second I am looking into getting my teeth fixed and my medical problems looked after so I physically feel better. And lastly I have begun to sew me skirts and dresses to wear.

I don’t feel that what I want is too far out there and unreachable. I guess the hardest question was “What do you really want?” So I challenge each of you this week to ask yourself what  is it that  you really want? How can you get it?


About bttrflysprit

Mother, daughter, wife, sister, MPD/DID, woman, someones child, are some of my titles. I am who I am and I am learning to be happy with that.

4 responses »

  1. Vicki says:

    I found a line in the book The finding the Sacred Self which seems to continue to resignates to me “We see things not as they are, but as we are.”
    So looking for what we truely want and where we are going has two parts to it. the part we see and think is what we want and the part that is truely there.

  2. I love this search for self. You do know deep down who you are and how you are. When I started to just be the me I wanted to be without pretense, I lost some friends. Some were scared off by the “out there” energy they weren’t familiar with. Others discovered that I was no longer the doormat they loved to use and went looking for easier prey. I think you will find this too. But remember, those who leave are meant to leave. Those who stay are important. Those who cheer you one and love the real you are your true friends. Butterfly Spirit, your cocoon is open. You stand now on the remains of the case you used to exist in. Now you can stretch and dry your wings. Are you ready to take off into the great unknown trusting that your inner wisdom will guide you?

  3. Wear what you want to please you Donna. You are a wonderful person who has no need to hide. As for your challenge, I too have found who I really am, and that is not who my parents or my ex husband wanted me to be. I am me, proud to be me and I really don’t care if I don’t fit into a mould, I am individual and loving my life as me.

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