The art of finding yourself? It’s the journey that’s called life. Live it.

I’ve been reading self-help books for as long as I can remember and have done a lot of work to grow spiritually and emotionally. But while I’ve gained a lot of valuable insight, doing my best to apply all the principles I’ve learned, there are still many things that feel completely out of control. I’m able to give great advice to my friends and family, but when it comes to myself, I feel incredibly lost. I feel like I continue making poor choices and feel crippled by insecurity, doubt and fear, and—as a result—I go into deep depressions.

I also have other moments when I have the gumption to “go for it” and pursue my dreams, yet nothing seems to stick. I tell myself that either it wasn’t meant to be or perhaps God has another plan for me, but time and again, I feel like I’m losing out on amazing opportunities. I have a hard time speaking up because I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, but in the end, I’m the one left in distress.

I try so hard to move on and push forward find a single piece of hope to hang onto and the moment I think I have it something happens and rips it from my hands confirming my worst fears. Love and laughter slip through me just as quickly, I begin to wonder if I was meant to be me, or even happy. The motivation begins to slip away, and then another glimpse of what I have always hoped for and the fear rises should I look away or go for it. Me being me always goes for it but then the pain slams back into me when I can’t sustain my dream.

Three types of people keep coming into my life.

  1. People who try to mold me into      the person they want me to be and have only a limited ability to see me      clearly as who I am.
  2. People who see me clearly,      accept me for who I am (even the ugly parts) and who have the ability to      serve as mirror for accurate self-reflection—but who are too timid to tell      it like it is.
  3. People who have all of the      abilities of the second category, but who are brave enough to actually      tell me what they see. These are the friends who—when asked–point out the      spinach between my teeth, the unruly hair that could really use a new style      and the personality ticks that might be the real cause of all of my      problems.

Honestly the first two types of people are frustrating to pieces. I even have come to resent them. I get the message in my head you don’t really care about who I am only what I am. Then I come to category three and these people when actually found, I love them I want to be as close as possible to them. Sometimes to close. Yes these are the people that can hurt me the most and leave me like at the beginning of this post but they are so rare and precious I don’t care.

I reach for my dreams, deep down I know I have a purpose of my own, I know that somehow someway all of what I learn and do is for a reason. I use to see the bigger picture and knew as it woven it’s self in front of me that I was a part of it. Now I can’t see any of that and often wander aimlessly hoping that maybe I am putting each thread where it is needed.

I reach for my dreams, deep down I know I have a purpose of my own, I know that somehow someway all of what I learn and do is for a reason. I use to see the bigger picture and knew as it woven it’s self in front of me that I was a part of it. Now I can’t see any of that and often wander aimlessly hoping that maybe I am putting each thread where it is needed.

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About bttrflysprit

Mother, daughter, wife, sister, MPD/DID, woman, someones child, are some of my titles. I am who I am and I am learning to be happy with that.

One response »

  1. Vicki says:

    What would we be doing if we did not try to help ourselves. Would we continue to wallow in our own self absorbtion pit of dispare or worse. The fact that you have read books and tried to better your self and not just keep wallowing(which i know you Hate) shows your strength . That you continue to keep a forward motion going even when you have set backs means you are a part of the human race. That we are imperfect and flawed does not mean we are not capable of being and giving love and friendship. It is merely the way we are made.
    I am enjoying your evolution, because that is what is happening. and Evolution takes time. be patience that everything isn’t happening in a instant. Great things take time.

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