Although I have restrained from talking about abuse and programming this entry could be very triggering to some of you!!!
As a child I have been told that I was a very loving and affectionate child. I don’t remember this. I was told that I was overwhelming loving to people. I don’t remember this. I was told I was fearless. I don’t remember this.
I do remember feeling no one loved me. I remember being trapped up inside of myself. I remember wanting to break free and yet for my survival I had to hide. I remember loving the dark and terrify of the light. I remember great pain within myself in not being who I really was. I remember always having to hold myself back. I remember people being afaid of me. I remember the first split of myself, it felt like a piece of me had died. I innteral screamed and kicked as each peace of me was split time and time again. I had to split to be able to sperate that wonderful loving and affectionate child that I was from the child that my world wanted and needed. People being overwhelmed by a baby was just not something they could handle and so they convinced that child to be something else and by doing so to protect it’s self. To do this my core being (the real me) was place inside this little protective shell like egg. Where no one could touch it. later in my life as more and more split would happen that core got farther away from the different splits. My world began to become extremely dark. ( all the light was wrapped up in that shell) From time to time I would see the light shining my way but learned quickly to fear the light and that someone might find the real me in that core. For my own safety I began to love the dark and fear the light. Now I’m not talking of when I was 16 or 10, I am talking about when I was around the age of three.
Years later I was doing healing work around the age of 36 and ran across that core. I had began to understand that within that core was the real me and all the healing power I would ever need. so one night as I was venturing around inside of myself I reached out to touch the core. The moment I did the shell broke and I began to get all these messages in my head that I would now die. To make that come true I planned out a detail sucide plan. One I believed full well would be the end of me. I spent almost a year in this will I die or will I live state. The released now from the shell I named “Lady” (the meaning of my name) Lady wasn’t like all the split off parts of me, she was pure light and occassionally when I got close to her life would be wonderful, but I couldn’t whole myself within that light for long and would end up in the end running away from myself once again.
At 46 I don’t know how to reach out to “Lady” anymore, although I know she still exsist. Some say thru meditation, never worked very well for me. Some say thru visualization I do that more thru my collages than in my head these days. Ya, the old fear of light so build in to protect my true self from this world floods back in, and I have to remind myself time and again I am no longer a child.
The biggest question I have to ask myself is do I honsetly want to become “Lady” in her fullest. Although I am terrify of this I do want that. I want to be the real me. So begins the journey to the center of my core! 🙂 Look out world because my being may of overwhelmed you when I was a child, just think of what it will do NOW!