Every year during certain times my life becomes this huge miss of emotional and psyical pain. I can feel myself become intesely tenese or it can sneak up on me like a lion, but every year it is the same. In the beginning I didn’t know this and life was hell, but over time I come to see the cycles of my life. For whatever reason Oct. is one of these months, the overwhemling pain within my body (body memories) begins and then the flashbacks. I have managed this time to the best of my ablity mostly by disconnecting from my body in as many ways as I find possible. I have also tried to find ways of making the bad times in the cycle to become good and have loving and good memories and yet the cycle comes once again this year. This year it wasn’t till about Sept. 25th that I all of a sudden with no explanitation began to feel sick and pain in areas that I don’t usual have pain till this time in the yearly cycle.
Now for someone like me who ask why to about everything and wants to understand myself on a deeper level, these cycles have blaffal me. The beginning of Sept I was on such a high, I had more good days in a row than I can ever remember having and I learned to laugh and smile, life was at an all time high for me as I began to reinvent myself. I knew enough about the cycles to be weary but I also believed my new found love of self and life would maybe help forgo it. Then on Sept 24th my coach gave me an assignment of getting in touch with how my body feels when I have emotions. I didn’t want to do the assignment and I had a spark of resistance to it. I being me pushed back on that resistance and me being me jumped head long into the assignment 🙂 The first day not much changed although was very sick to my stomach. The following day I woke with the migains (nothing usual there suffered off and on from these most my life) midway through the day my neck was in so much pain couldn’t hold my head up. Being a mom I did what I could to manage but found myself having to use my hands to keep my head straight on my shoulders and yep I began to become extremely cranky (look out kids and hubby)
The 26th was my eldest boy’s birthday and I awoke in fairly good spirits excited to make this day special for him. I fixed his favorite breakfast and began homeschool. By noon I was back to upset stomach and neck killing me. I smiled through the pain and presented his gifts to him and firgured a short nap might put be back on track. (can’t be a cranky mom on a child’s birthday). When I woke up things weren’t better and fixing his wonderful dinner while dealing with flashbacks was becoming a huge problem. I couldn’t eat by this time nothing could enter into my body that was causing pain or going to be exspelled back out. I knew at this piont the cycle this year had began.
Trying to stay in touch with my body was becoming increasingly difficult because everything within me was telling me to close off. A restless night of night terriors and we began the 27th with detremation of completeing the assignment. Although in an emotional fog and spinning tornado all at once I kept trying to see how they felt in the body. The pain is intense to say the least and hubby asked if I need to go to hostpital? I know from years past they would find nothing to comtribute the pain to so said no. I laid in the recliner hoping for any bright spot to change my thought pattern and here and there my childern made me laugh and smile and yet the laughter and smiling didn’t reach deep within me like it had just a few days before. Still I was grateful to the sunshine it brought during this emotionally dim time. I know pain pills don’t work on body memories yet I tried it just in case was coming down with something or there was a psyical reason for so much pain.
Another night of nightmares and pain, caused me to get out of bed 3 hours earlier than would have normally. Decided I needed some self care and maybe that would help my day be better. Took a candle lit bubble bath and fixed some tea with biquicts and sat in a sheltered place of my garden to breath in the wonderfulness of it all. I even put on my warm fuzzy PJs. My neck is still hurting and as I write this my head feels like it is to big for the body. I am crying for no reason at all (well other than that the pain is intense) and I couldn’t describe the emotions running through me if I were to try. The flashbacks come and I try to breath thru them and wonder if any of the work I have done was any good at all. Then I remember it is only for a moment try to feel it to it’s fullest and it will pass. It’s only 9 am and already all I want is the day to be thru 🙂
I will keep you all posted throughout the month but warning it might not be as regularly as normal.