I have been afraid of the craziest things in my life. Afraid of touch, afraid of love, afraid of the light within me, afraid of my image in the mirror, afraid that my insides will die and leave my shell body alive, afraid of people. The thing is that these fears of mine can and did at one point in my life stop me in my tracks. Although I feared these things I deeply desired them as well.
As a child I learned to fear touch and yet I deeply wanted to be touched. I was tormented by people who found out about my fear and touched me just to see my reaction. At 19 I realized it wasn’t just touch I feared but love as well. Thank God that a dear friend of mine realized that my fears were my desires and although I had threatened her she grabbed and held onto me till I could push past the fear. My fear of love didn’t leave with the fear of touch. I spent close to a decade trying to understand it and trying to face it when another situtation finally got me to the point that I realized love can hurt but love isn’t something you can’t live without and married the man of my dreams.
The light within me is a whole other story, we know it isn’t an alter and think it may well be our spirit, we call it Lady (the meaning of Donna) I am not excaltly sure why we fear this light, maybe because darkness has always been safety, maybe because the truth of who we are is in that light? We have brushed up against it a time or two but can’t bring ourselves to stay within it yet. Still working on this one.
My fear of mirrors began with a love of mirrors. As a young child a mirror could make me dissappear, or I could cross over to the other side where things were much better. As I got older and had children I began to fear that I would dissappear or cross over and leave them forever. The image in the mirror never felt connected to who I am, I am slowly coming to grips with that is how the world sees me but I am not sure if I will ever see me as that image (I am so much more than that).
When I was younger I felt like pieces of me died along the way of this thing called life. I have since learned that they didn’t die but broke off into alters. I still at times wonder if all the alters die will the body go on as this empty shell, or will it die also?
In my 20s I read a book “feel the fear and do it anyways” I have tried to face my deepest fears and the normal ones seem so easy to brush off because of the deeper ones. I remember being alone in my appartment in Harlem and not able to sleep because of the fear of what could happen, finally I asked myself what is the worst that could happen and came up with the usual things like rape (already done that and survived), maybe robbed (who cares never cared for material things) killed (at this piont in my life I was ok with it) feel fast to sleep and didn’t worry again about living alone in Harlerm.
I think sometimes we have to ask oursevles what is the worst that can happen? and then go out there and live life like there is no tommorrow!