by Brenda Hoddinott

Well doctors said I have MPD/DID, which simply means I have extreme PTSD developed in childhood, to survive I created different personifies to handle the different levels or ways my life was. One handle anger so that I didn’t have to express it and be hurt. one to be the perfect like girl, one to do well in school, one to handle and like the sex, one that liked the pain and saw pain as love, one afraid of the the dark one that loved the dark so on so on so on and so on. Each with there own look, own desire, needs and wants. some just to record and some to fight. people use to always ask how many of us are there I say  well over a hundred. Problem is most doctors don’t believe in MPD because it is rare. All I can say to that is that they thought child abuse was rare in the 50s and now it is well known. I went though the years of different Dxs and this one came the closest to fitting. I am not ashamed of it and actually love each and every one of my alters. I went though years of therapy and in collage studied psychology, trying to understand my past and fit what others call normal. Been through many different church where I was told the diffent parts of me were demons that needed to be casted out of me. Even allowed it to be attempted a couple of times and ended up much more hurt. I came to be comfortable with who we are and our relationship with God. ya some of us feared God and others out and out hated God and even some of us Loved and served God but all were at a place of recognizing there is a God.

In therapy although my goal wasn’t to integrate my therapist’s always was. a lot of times we would burn thru therapist meaning that they burned out working with me or they came to a place that they didn’t know how to work with us to go any farther. we ended my cycles of therapist with a very good one that had taken be a long ways in healing, but couldn’t recognize or admit that she had nothing more for me. we also came to the realization that therapy was a reliving of a very painful past over and over which wasn’t helping any of us at the time and at times making the entire system subdual now one of the things about MPD is that suicide is almost impossible as usually at least one wants to live and will prevent it but when you have so many suicidal at once you walk a very fine line of it will be stopped. So we all decided together that therapy wasn’t for us anymore, and ended it. We would take the tools and knowledge we had and move forward in the way we wanted.

It was harder this way, with no one to talk to about if we were going in the right direction but it was good too. We collages and processed. We wrote two books on our life story, “Why’s Love so Hard” and “Happy Ever After or Maybe Not” We learned to forgive. We learned to work very well with each other, and to accept each ones strengths and weaknesses. We learned to allow each to come into body to fulfill their wants and desires and to do their job (yes each have a job). Things were going extremely well and we had even began to go church for those that enjoyed it. (huge since most churches had kicked us out or tried to change us or called us demons).

I use to see picture all the time, the church called visions. I seen us as a broken vessel before God not that we that been made that way by Him but that the world around us had used and broken us. I seen God’s hands able to make us whole again. that we as a vessel could be powered and mixed with the spirit and put into God’s hands and remade into a beautiful whole vessel as one. I knew that this would be painful and that to allow this all would have to agree but we all agreed every single one of us. you have to understand none of us had ever before wanted to be one. in the vision we were all a part of the completed vessel like a puzzle we all had a place and we would still be us but one.  It was great time but none of us knew how to bring it about. We talked with a good friend about it that went to church with us but still nothing. The night before our birthday we learned that we could achieve this thru a prayer service or at least we thought we could. We went to church on our birthday excited and nervous and willing fully open to God to do the work.

When we enter that cycle of prayer their were 7 pastors and several more church members their to pray for us. In the begin it was beautiful a complete surrender to God. Then one of the pastors decided to try to cast out the demons that was us, insistently the protectors came forward and physically tried to stop these men of course they was this as the demons not wanting to go away, and increased their power causing the protectors of the system to back away leaving the emotional ones there some maybe the pastors would back off but they noticed the switch and kept going, we tried to leave the building and they held us back. Tried to push the littles out to see if that would stop them from what they were doing to us. something so beautiful had become our worse nightmare and we had allowed it. They would stop for even the littles of us So the protectors call all of us inside and gather us together to hide on the deepest levels away from the pastors. The only person that didn’t come with us was a observor that was in like a catatonic state within the system and had been for years.  We felt the body go limp we felt the breathing slow and the heart rate drop as none were there to keep it going but still ran.   That’s when I awoke and stepped into the body so it wouldn’t die. I had never been in the body before. I had only ever watched for I am an observer now I would be a doer.

Those first few months were so quite no conversations internally. I thought I was going insane being in the body. People on outside of the system don’t let hear their thoughts or watch the in their greatest times of need. I never cooked or cleaned or taught school, or paid bills, I only watched it done. I didn’t have the passion or emotions that the ones I had watch do what I now was doing. I learned that the husband had been hurt but I didn’t have any feelings for him good or bad. I didn’t have the feels of motherhood. that first year I was out I was so lonely so disconnected and looked for the system but couldn’t feel or hear them at all. I thought they were all gone forever, leaving me here with a body and family that I didn’t know if I liked. The second year I began resenting that I had ever entered the body, I felt as if the child and hubby didn’t care at all for me all alone liked or loved me.  I lived in a house with 5 other people and was all alone. I tried to learn to take care of them. I  invested all my time to cooking, cleaning, schooling, paying bills whatever they needed.

The third year I started to learn to love these people when they allowed it. I started worrying a bit about the body I was in as it was sick. I began to do collages like the others had and I began to learn to garden. I began to become emotional invest in this family. I learned how to help them during stressors and I learned to use the tools that I had seen used by the system to sooth myself during stressful times. I learned that without the system life was very much different and that not everything could be done. I began to feel sorry for myself and anyone else that didn’t have a system. years four and five left be with the idea that system was just hiding and I at brief times would hear them, leaving me with a hope of maybe someday they would return. year six and seven things were going alone and I learned what it was like to be proud of the children.

Year seven I came to the realization that life would never go back to what it was. the system would never be able to catch up and work as well as it once did. I began to understand I may be the only one to ever be in the body again. I started taking inventory of myself. Asking questions such as who am I? Is this the life I want to live? What of this body if anything do I like? Do I want to go inside and allow this body to die? I do feel the pull to return within it is there everyday all day, when I look in the mirror I don’t see the body I see that internal world and I miss it and want to return to it so badly. I know not my place anymore and yet it is always in front of me.

several months later I came to conclusion that I didn’t like who, what or where I was at in this life. So the question came what are you going to do about it? You all this knowledge so lets put into action and make being in body as enjoyable as being inside. so it hit me I will reinvent myself and my life into something I like and want, and that is how this journey began!

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About bttrflysprit

Mother, daughter, wife, sister, MPD/DID, woman, someones child, are some of my titles. I am who I am and I am learning to be happy with that.

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